


Fallen Atlas

by hamine2



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Major Character Injury, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 09:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18070571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamine2/pseuds/hamine2
Summary: After a dangerous mission leaves Supergirl in a coma, Lena is suspicious that the Girl of Steel knew what she was doing all along.





	Fallen Atlas

**Author's Note:**

> The summary sucks, I know.  
> This is my first attempt at a fanfic guys, and english is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes <3  
> I had this idea stuck in my head for a long time, and it's good to get it out.  
> This story is dark, but not very graphic, at least I don't think so.  
> Feedback is always welcomed!  
> Enjoy!

To say Lena Luthor was tired is an understatement. 

She was mentally drained, and phisically exhausted. 

She had been awake for more than 48 hours by now, her only company in the white and cold room, the steady beating of Kara's heart.

A beat that, only a few days ago, had been beaten down to a terrifying flatline. Thank god Alex was around, she would never let her sister go without a fight. The DEO director was in charge of the defibrillator within seconds, carrying a determined look on her face, swallowing back her tears as she worked. Only when the blonde finally came around, she let herself fall apart. The whole time, J'onn didn't even dare to interfere. He stood quietly in the corner, praying. He had thought of stopping her at some point, but couldn't bring himself to do it. In the end, his decision was wise. Supergirl would have died if it wasn't for Alex and her stubborness to just let go. Lena watched him quietly as he walked up to his "daughter" and gave her an soothing hug, sharing a few comforting words, trying to calm her down.  

Then her eyes trailed down, resting upon the broken body of the woman she loved.

 

Kara Danvers. 

Supergirl.

It still was hard for Lena to process that lie. She couldn't believe that Kara, her personal ray of sunshine, her smart, funny, cute and compassionate best friend, was also the famous god-like hero of National City, the woman she despised to a cellular level, that drove her more and more insane with each passing day.

 

Kara had revealed her secret to her a few months ago, at her place, whilst having dinner. She said she couldn't keep lying to her face, even if it was to protect her. Lena, of course, hadn't taken the conversation lightly. She screamed, demanded answers, raised her hand and slapped kara right across her face. She then took a moment to realize what she had done, but didn't apologize at all to the blonde. She just saw the light in her blue eyes vanish, drowned in a endless sea of sorrow. Never before, had she seen her so heartbroken and disappointed. And as if that wasn't enough, the CEO told her to leave, and "never return".

What a twisted game of fate. Now she would beg her on her knees to come around and stay.

The kryptonian was hooked up to a thousand different machines, laying peacefully on her bed under the sun lamps at the Medbay, after a horrid attack from the Children of Liberty.

And the worst part of it all, those bastards had almost killed her using LCorp tech. 

A supersuit she designed for federal agents fell into the wrong hands, as well as a unknown quantity of Kryptonite, apparently stolen from one of her vaults.

With a sigh, she ran her hands through her face for the thousandth time. It was all her fault.

"You should go home." She didn't need to look at the door to recognize the owner of that worried voice. The Danvers sisters shared the same serious tone.

"I can't... Not when I did this." 

"Lena, you didn't do anything. Your tech was stolen, the attack was sudden... None of this was your fault."

"I should have listened to her, Alex!"  the raven haired woman sobbed, angry at herself and at the world. "She told me those suits were a bad idea. She warned me about how dangerous it could be. I didn't listen. I chose not to. So in a way, yes... I did this. I am a Luthor after all."  Her bitter voice finished the discussion, while she tortured herself into watching Kara's slow breathing, so soft it was almost unnoticeable.

"Lena, I didn't ever think I would have to tell you this myself, but you are not like your family. They don't care about anything or anyone that aren't them. You made a bad decision, yes. But you give a shit about it. You have been here since day one, and you haven't once left her side. Kara may not be able to say this to you right now, but she knows you're here. She knows you care. And she loves you."

"The last thing I told her was to leave, and then I shut her out for months." She confessed. "She doesn't love me."

"She does."  Alex barked back. "Otherwise, she wouldn't have stayed."

"That's poetic, but you know the truth, she's only here because you brought her back."

"She could have left for good if she didn't want to fight." 

Lena didn't argue after that. She didn't had the strenght. 

She didn't go home either.

Because her empty apartment was nothing more than that.

Her true "home" was broken and bruised, laying right in front of her.

 

\---

 

The next day's afternoon, Alex returned. Accepting the fact that the CEO wouldn't leave, she told her she could use one of the bathrooms at the DEO to shower, and gave her a fresh pair of clothes to change herself into, as well as a towell and a key to the usually always open door. She figured she could use a little bit of privacy. 

Sitting down next to her sister as Lena left, she thought of how to break the news to the devastated woman. Before leaving to fight the Children of Liberty, Kara had left Winn a pendrive, and told him he only could give it to Alex if she didn't come back alive from the mission.

And yes, she wasn't dead right now, but she had died, even if it was for a couple of minutes. And so, he wasn't breaking his promise. He gave the pendrive away, as she told him to.

As it turns out, the Kryptonian had the feeling things wouldn't workout very well for her from the beggining of it all, and decided to record a few videos for her loved ones, just in case.

Alex had sobbed shamelessly after watching hers, her sister telling her how much she loved her and how much she would miss her if anything serious were to happen. She also gave away her recipe for the perfect apple pie. The blonde said she would preffer seing her grief-baking than grief-drinking, and that burning the kitchen up would be a great coping mechanism. Damned Kara, making her laugh through her tears.

Then, there was the video she left for Lena. The Director hadn't seen it out of respect, but Winn had, for security reasons. He said it would bring a lot of comfort to the CEO, but that it also was kinda depressing, and "boderline cheesy" at some points. Turns out Kara was head over heels for Lena. 

She sighed.

She owned Sam ten bucks.

"You're back" she said as the raven haired woman returned, a little bit more composed than before.

"I'm not leaving any time soon."

"I know, but you need to sleep, Lena. And no, before you open you mouth to say something stupid, taking naps doesn't count as actually sleeping." She stood up, allowing her to sit down.

"I know... And I have, in fact, tried to, but... I was getting those nightmares..." She confessed, as the Director crossed her arms. "I always dream she won't come back. And then I remember the fight, and... It's too much."

"I get that. I keep dreaming about her heart crashing again, and, I will be honest with you, it really sucks."

"It does."

"If you want, I can get you a sedative..."

"Okay."

"Okay? I honestly expected you to fight a little bit more."

"I'm afraid I will pass out from exhaustion if I keep on fighting."

Alex thought of a comeback, but decided against it. She enjoyed the bickering, but she knew it wasn't the right time for it.

"Once you are not a walking corpse, meet me at my desk. I have something to show you."

"I could go right now..."

"No. You need to be well rested for this."

Then, she left.

 

\----

 

When the Director returned to the room with the promised sedative, she found it to be useless. Lena was already passed out in her chair, body bent foward and head laying on Kara's bed, her right hand tangled in her sister's fingers. 

 

\---

 

When night came around, Lena rose from her chair and walked through the door of the Medbay. She quietly made her way to Alex's desk, knowing that the woman, just like herself, wouldn't leave the DEO and go home like the rest of her team. And she was right. The Director was sat down behind a giant pile of documents, looking at the screen of her computer without even blinking, one of her hands holding what she assumed was a tiny glass full of whisky.

"Can I come in?" Lena's voice was small coming from the hallway.

"Of course." Alex finally unglued her face from the screen to look at her, her left hand telling the CEO to sit down.

When she did, a strange silence filled the room. There were so many things to be said, and yet, neither of them knew how to begin the dreadful conversation.

The older Danvers sister cleared her throat, and decided to break the ice.

"While you were sleeping, I printed these myself. " she pointed at the stack of papers. "It's the NDA you have to sign if you know... Well, everything you know."

The younger Luthor looked at the handful of pages with little interest, and signed everything without even a second glance. Watching her scribble her name mindlessly over each printed line, a big red flag waved in Alex's head. Normal Lena would have read everything from front to back, asking questions that not even the DEO itself could manage to answer, she wouldn't return the document in less than five minutes of inspection.

But then again, this wasn't Normal Lena. This was Guilty, Traumatized, Exhausted Lena. 

"Anything else?" said woman asked, showing almost no emotion in her voice.

"Actually yes." the Director replied before she even thought of leaving the room, taking the NDA and storing it in one of the drawers of her desk. 

She would wait for her sister to wake up before turning in the papers. She knew Lena would want to read it again once she was in a better state of mind.

"Kara, she ummm... She left a message for you, in case she didn't come back from her mission alive." 

Lena's face was a mix of confusion, love, and most of all, regret. Her mouth was slightly open, while her brain struggled to process the news she just had received.

"I don't know if I..." she swallowed hard, avoiding Alex's gaze. "I don't know if I can watch it. After everything I've done..."

Her words made the red flag in the Director's head grow.

If one thing was clear for everyone in National City, herself included, it's that Lena Luthor didn't run away from hard topics. She held her chin up high and faced whatever demons crossed her path with grace and fierceness. She laughed at the face of assassins, made death threats seem like playful banter, and didn't shy away from sharing her piece of mind. 

And Alex, well. Alex wasn't dumb. She knew exactly what the CEO was doing. Pretending to be fine in front of everyone, only to fall apart in private.

And yes, she had her issues with the other woman, but watching her in that moment, trying to hold back her tears, to fill the void Kara had left in her with pain and self-hatred, she felt the need to do something. 

She had to confront her.

She had to save her from herself.

"Look, I can't judge you for fleeing after my sister came out. You were hurt, you clearly have your own trust issues, and your own brother being a madman who tried to blow up an entire city isn't great either. I get it, you had a lot on your plate and your first instinct was to grab your feelings and run, to protect yourself from harm. You thought Kara had betrayed you, and you assumed that if she didn't tell you anything for two years, it was because of your last name. It was a dumb assumption, but it was understandable." Alex's ramble caught Lena's inmediate attention. And so, she kept going. "I can't judge you for that, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. She suffered, Lena. And not because she hated you, but because she loves you. You not talking to her... It broke her heart. And I know that the last few days have been hell, but I think you should stop wallowing in your misery, and allow her to say her last words to you. Because after shutting her out for so long, and not speaking a single fucking word to her, you own her that much."

"I know." A watery voice replied. "But I don't deserve to hear anything from her, that's the thing! I'm not worthy of her words, I'm not worthy of her time, for fuck's sake, just look what one my inventions did to her!" 

"IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, LENA!" Alex suddenly stood up, slamming her hand against the table. "The only thing you are guilty of, is your reaction when she told you she was Supergirl. That's it! Kara not waiting for back up, Kara facing a fucking armed terrorist alone, that was her choice!-"

"-AND WHAT IF I LED HER TO DO IT? WHAT IF I MADE HER GO OUT THERE BY HERSELF?"

The Director shook her head.

"W-What are you saying?"

"Think, Alex! Why would she face a threat that big alone? Why would she leave us a message in case she died? You said it so herself, I broke her heart... Why would she face a man armed with kryptonite if she knew that's the only thing that could kill her?"

The implication made the already cold air freeze. The silence between both women was so loud, that if a pin dropped, it could be mistaken for a falling building. 

"Do you think, Kara... Do you think she might-..."

"-Know what she was doing all along? Yes." 

"But... My sister..." Alex sat down again. "She wouldn't have gone in a suicide mission, right? She knows the city needs her, that we need her."

"Does she?" Lena asked, raising an eyebrow. "A few days before she came out, I saw her having one of her usual panic attacks. You know what she said to me back then?"

"What?"

"She should have died with Krypton."

The older Danvers closed her eyes.

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Oh, no? Then why would she go out there alone?"

"BECAUSE KARA IS A SELF-SACRIFICING IDIOT, THAT'S WHY!"

Lena smiled sadly, shaking her head.

"Alex, I wish I could tell you I am crazy, but everything adds up. She wanted this. She wanted to leave. And I..." Her voice cracked. "I may have been the one who pushed her over the point of no return."

"Lena..."

"No... I gave her reasons to do it... And the means to get it done."

"Even if what you are saying is true... That would have been my sister's own stupid choice. If she... " Alex took a deep breath. "If she tried to kill herself by fighting that asshole... It was her choice. Not yours. You... You didn't do anything."

Her words made Lena shiver, but she wouldn't back down.

"I'm sorry... I-I can't be here." 

Before the red head could say anything else, the CEO sprinted out the door.

Gathering her thoughts, and summoning all her strengh, Alex called the only person that could help her fix that giant mess.

"Hey, Brainy... I know it's late but... Would you meet me at the MedBay in thirty minutes?"

\---

Going into Kara's subconscious was dangerous, Brainy warned her. But her sister still was in a coma, and she needed answers. 

"I need you to take a deep breath, Director Danvers, and calm yourself down." He instructed, as she laid on her back in a bed beside Kara's.

She couldn't help but laugh at his orders.

"That's a lot to ask right now, Brainy. With everything that is going on... Calm is a hard thing to be."

"You do seem stressed." He said. "May I suggest you try yoga?"

"You may not." Alex curt him short. "I'll keep quiet, sorry... Just go on with it. Tell me what's your plan."

"I have created a virtual simulation of you sister's mind palace while we spoke, using her brainwaves. Once you have reached a peaceful state of mind, I will use this-" without warning he stuck a small device in the middle Alex's forehead. "- to direct your brainwaves to the simulation as well. Before that, however, I am going to examine Kara's brain. Once I ensure the simulation is safe enough for all of us, I will connect all of our minds fully to it. Which means that if we visit her Mind Palace, or as she called it, her "loft", you might feel everything she feels at the moment."

"That makes sense, considering I'll be inside a recreation of her head."

"Indeed. I just need to warn you... Her feelings might get..." He moved his hands around, searching for the right word.

"A little bit intense?"

"Exactly." 

"Okay then. I can handle it... If that's all, I'm ready."

"Then relax, Director Danvers. Just relax..."

Brainiac's voice faded in the distance as her eyes closed. She remained quiet in the dark for a few minutes, that is, until his hand touched hers, and suddenly they were standing side by side in the hallway of a building.

If it weren't for the paintings on the walls, she would have guessed they were in an abandoned construction. But no, it was her sister's place. The number on her door confirmed it. 

"Why is everything so broken and worned out?"

"Well, before creating this simulation, I got into her actual brain a few seconds ago, to check the condition of her neural pathways. They are mostly intact. But there was one clearly weakened."

"In what part of her brain?"

"Parts, Director. The hippocampus and the nucleus accumbens."

"The ones that process rewarding experiences." Alex commented. 

"Among other things." He agreed. "A bad comunnication of those areas result in some interesting effects for the human mind. Do you know which ones?"

"There was a study that connected the lack of activity in those areas to depression, but what does that have to do with..." 

The question died at the tip of her tongue.

If her sister was depressed, it made sense for her "mind palace" to be messed up.

Brainiac just smiled sadly, and walked towards the loft's door. He knocked, and Alex stood besides him, waiting.

She heard a grunt, then the sound of bottles moving, and finally, the door opened.

Kara was a mess. Her blue eyes were red, her puffy cheeks hollowed, and her civilian clothes were gone. She was wearing her ragged and dirty Supergirl suit.

"Brainy? What are you-" her voice trailed off once she saw her older sister. "Alex."

Neither of them waited for long before crushing each other in a tight embrace, crying in each other's shoulder while whispering words of regret and forgiveness.

"What are you doing here? Both of you?" Kara asked once they parted, and all of them got inside her apartment. "Are you alright?"

"We are excellent, thank you. You, seem to be the problem." Brainiac said. 

"Me?"

"Kara... You are in a coma. Again."

"So I failed..." She whispered, her face blank.

"You failed?"

When Brainy said to the Director that she would feel everything her sister was feeling, he wasn't exagerating.

She felt a deep weight on her chest, and an unpleasent feeling at the bottom of her stomach. It was almost like guilt, but worse... She was... Disappointed?

"Alex... I..." 

Then came shame. And regret. A lot of regret.

"You tried to kill yourself in that mission didn't you?"

The question left her mouth before she could filter it. And then, the dam broke. Next thing she knew, Kara let herself fall into the couch, hugging herself as she sobbed.

Alex thought she had known sadness when she parted ways with Maggie, or when the whole ordeal with her father happened. But this... This pain she was feeling. She had never felt something so strong and harsh before.

"I'm so sorry..." Her sister's voice cried, but she didn't exactly know what she was apologizing for.

Was it for trying to go through with her plan? Or was it for surviving?

Quite frankly, she didn't care.

She only wanted to be there for Kara. And so, that's what she did.

"C'mere..." 

The blonde felt herself be wrapped up by warm arms, and melted. Alex held her close, feeling the tears dampen her shirt. Brainy sat down near them, but didn't dare to speak. He just watched, worried.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I..." Kara tried to compose herself, but ended up failling.

"It's okay... It's alright."

"It's not... It's awful."

"I know it is."

"No... I don't think you do."

"Actually, Kara, she does. Unlike last time, we are not in your actual subconscious, but in a simulation of it, that contains both your brainwaves and your sister's. Which means that right now, she is feeling everything you are feeling." Brainy explained.

"Alex?" the blonde looked her in the eyes, still crying, although quietly. 

"It's true." she nodded. "The pain you feel right here- " she pointed towards her chest "- that makes you feel like you can't breathe, I'm feeling it. And now that I do, I understand why you tried to, you know..."

"End it all?"

"Yeah." she breathed.

A few minutes passed.

"So... You don't think I'm a coward?"

"Of course not." she hugged her tighter. "But I do think you need help. And once we are out of here, and you come around, you are going to get it. Okay?"

"Okay." the kryptonian complied, feeling calmer than she had been in months. She let herself rest for a moment, and breathed, slowly.

"Brainy?"

"Yes?"

"When we leave this simulation... Do you think I'll be out of the coma?" her rough voice asked.

"It is possible. Although, if you're not, I can go in alone to your actual brain and help you out of it, if that's what you desire."

"I think Streaky will be happy to see you again." 

For the first time in ages, Kara smiled.

And then sunlight poured from the window, wrapping the whole loft in its light.

\---

Alex jumped out of bed as if lightning had struck her. Brainy was by her side, althought not looking at her.

"Kara!" 

Seeing her sister awake made her release all the tears she had been holding back without a second thought. Carefully, she wrapped her arms around the shaking kryptonian, who through her own sobs, managed to keep the relieved smile on her face, clinging to Alex like never before.

Once the commotion calmed down, both the Director and the superhero thanked Brainy, watching him leave throught the doors of the Medbay with a small wave.

"Thank you for coming after me." Kara said with a strained voice, the bad shape of her body taking it's fair toll on her accelerated mind.

"Always." Alex promised, bringing her bandaged hand up and kissing her knuckles, proceeding to run her fingers through her golden locks of hair. "I know you probably are exhausted, and you sure as hell want to sleep..."

"Wait, I thought earlier you said I was in a coma, sleeping, so then why exactly should I be exhausted?" Kara tried to joke around, but her soft tone gave away her obvious tiredness.

"Idiot." the Director bit back, leaning down to kiss her temple. "Anyway, as I was saying... Even though you are, in fact, very tired, I thought I should tell you something right now, so you won't be confused later when you wake up."

"Go on?"

"Lena's here."

Kara's smile dropped.

"What?"

"She hasn't left you side since everything went down, because apparently, she feels all of this is her fault."

"That's crazy! She didn't do anything!"

"I told her that, but she didn't believe me. In fact, she was the one who first suggested to me that you... That you weren't quite alright."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she... She talked a little bit about your panic attacks, and how you, hm... You told her..."

"I should have died with krypton?" the blonde guessed.

"Yeah." Alex replied. "She didn't give away a lot of information about it, don't worry, but... I want to know. As your sister I need to know... Do you really wish you had died back then?"

"Not always." she answered with no hesitation."Sometimes, when things get dark in my head... I do. It would be easier. Not having nightmares, not having to bear the weight of a dead planet on my shoulders."

"I see..." the Director continued stroking her hair, thinking so hard her eyebrows almost fused together in worry.

"Did you... Did you see my video?" the other one asked.

"Yes, I did. You giving away your secrets for your holy apple pie should have been a dead giveaway that something was really wrong with you."

At that, Kara laughed. It was a small laugh, but still, it was progress.

"You don't have enough experience to pull it off tho."

"But oh my dear alien sister... I have the knowledge." she kept going, despite the fake look of betrayal in Kara's face. "Crinkle." she tapped her fingers against her head, making her laugh one more time.

"Alex..."

"Yeah?" she asked, noticing the sudden darkness the super's voice portrayed.

"Do you know if Lena's still around? I need to talk to her."

"Kara, are you sure you want to see her?"

"I am. I need to." she confirmed. "Do you know if she saw my video?"

"She didn't. I tried to make her see it, but she refused."

"Oh thank Rao."

"Why are you so relieved?"

"In that video I told her I loved her."

Wait.

"And you do?" Alex questioned carefully.

"I do." the answer came a few seconds after. "Is that okay?"

She thought it was impossible for her voice to get softer, but she was wrong, apparently.

"Of course it's okay. I'm proud of you for admitting it." she said with a smile, locking her eyes into the blue abyss that watched her. "Are you going to tell her? In person?"

Kara was deep in thought.

But her decision was clear.

"I will."

\---

When Alex found Lena, she was standing in the balcony of the DEO, watching over the sleeping city. The constellation of lights always had a calming effect on her. That's one of the reasons of why she loved her view at LCorp during the night. It was also the only time of the day she could get out of her office without crushing into Supergirl.

If she had known her and Kara were the same being, she would have traded the moon and the stars for the burning light of the sun without a care. 

She missed her. She'd always missed her. Their fight had been over the top dramatic, and she regretted everything about it. Especially the sting she felt in her hand after slapping the poor girl. She had been a true bitch.

"I think I told you to stop wallowing in your misery."

"I am a Luthor, wallow in misery and plan world domination is what we do."

Alex snorted, walking towards her.

"You were right. About Kara. Me and Brainy, we got into her mind... We saw the damage." she confessed, crossing her arms. "How'd you know?"

"I told you, she told me about Krypton...-"

"-The whole truth, Lena." 

They looked at each other intensely. 

"I had felt like her before." the CEO confessed. "I knew the signs. I guess I just followed my instincts. And I was right."

"She is awake you know." 

The revelation shook her entire body.

"She doesn't blame you." Alex said. "At least in that way, I was right."

"Should I go see her?"

"Actually, that's why I'm here. She asked me to come find you."

"I haven't watched the video yet."

"Good. Because there are things she said in there, she'd rather tell you herself." the Director extended her hand. "Now come. You two need to sort your shit out."

\---

Contrary to popular belief, Lena had, indeed, some fears. Flying, spiders, lakes, clowns. She had a fair list of things that made her skin crawl and her heartbeat duplicate. But one thing she never thought she would come to fear, was talking to Kara.

The blonde journalist was her safe place. She could talk about her life, her traumas, or whatever with her, and never once feel ashamed or scared. Today, however, she was both. And it wasn't the other woman's fault, not really. She was the one who had destroyed the relationship they used to have.

"Hey, breathe." Alex told her, opening the door of the MedBay.

She did as she was told. She took a deep and long breath before stepping inside.

"I'll leave you both alone for now, okay?" The director said before leaving.

Lena's strategy was simple. Stare at the floor, stand as far from the superheroe as she could -probably at some corner of the room- and listen quietly to her as she torned her to shreds. Kara was supposed to be angry. She was supposed to keep quiet. Again, it was simple.

And if her strategy had worked with Lillian when she was young, it sure would work with the blonde.

At least, that's what she thought.

"Lena?" her voice was weak, but it was there. After months of not hearing it, the CEO had a hard time processing that sweet tune.

"Yes?"

"Look at me?..." 

She couldn't help but follow her command. And then green crashed with blue, and the tears rolled down her cheeks like snow falling from the skies. Her heart started beating like she was at the top of a rollercoaster. 

Fuck her plan. She couldn't keep pretending she was okay anymore. She was going to be honest with the blonde. 

"I'm sorry. For everything."

She meant it. Every word.

"Me too."

And then, came the unexpected.

Using a strenght she didn't have, the injuried woman sat up in her bed, and opened her arms, waiting.

Lena could do nothing else but to walk towards her, and let herself be wrapped up by her warm embrace.

The hug was silent, but it meant so much more than any broken words that could have left their lips.

When they parted, tears still in their eyes, they remained quiet for a few minutes. It was a lot to process.

Kara of course, broke the silence in the most Kara way possible.

"So how's LCorp?" 

Lena laughed.

"Fine. Sam and Jess are taking care of it." the answer was no lie, she wouldn't trust anyone else to take care of her beloved company. "How is streaky?"

"Probably walking around the dark alleyways of my mind as we speak."

While they made their way to the MedBay, Alex had told the raven haired woman how badly shaped her sister's mind palace had been. So she understood Kara's joke, although she didn't laugh at it. 

"He sure is, considering your loft is a mess."

"Alex told you about it, didn't she?"

"We are worried about you." came the reply.

Kara didn't answer, she just looked away.

"Why did you choose to go on a suicide mission? Was it me?"

"No, of course not."

Lena raised an eyebrow.

"I mean it, it wasn't you. Or at least not just you." the kryptonian let out a breath she didn't know had been holding. "I... I have been depressed, for a long time. I haven't told no one, but once I... I went to a psychologist. He diagnosed me. But instead of continuing with the meds and therapy, I kinda just..." she trailled off. "I m-mean. I was Supergirl. A superhero. The saviour of National City. I couldn't be depressed. He was wrong, right? He should have been... So I just gave up."

"You stopped the treatment? Kara!"

"I know, I know, I was dumb, please don't shout at me." she begged.

"I won't. Sorry, I won't. In fact, I don't think I'm allowed. I myself have forgotten to take my meds so many times..."

"Your meds?"

"Yes." Lena stopped, thinking if she should tell her the whole truth. She decided quickly. Kara needed to know she wasn't alone. "I'm bipolar. Type II."

"Oh... I didn't..."

"Not a lot of people know. Jess, Sam, Lex... That's about it."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"For the same reason as you. I was ashamed, and scared I was going to let people down, or make them run away from me."

"I would never."

"I know." she smiled. "You are a good person, Kara."

"Am I?"

"You are." she grabbed her hand. "So please, go on. I need to know why you did what you did. I'm not going to judge you. I promise."

Kara's grip on her hand tightened. She briefly closed her eyes.

"In my life, there are three things that I fight for. Three things that keep me going. Krypton, my family, and Earth." she started. "I fought for Krypton because I needed to make sure that no one forgot that it existed. Because I couldn't let my culture die. If I was the last daughter of Rao, I would make sure I lived a life of justice and honor, and I would protect his name and his teachings. But then, I discovered Argo City was still standing, and I knew I wasn't the only one left. It was a miracle that it had survived the explosion, and I was thankful for it... But I lost the first of my three motivations. Now other people could keep my culture safe. I wasn't needed." she paused, taking a deep breath. "Then the whole mind wipe thing happened. No one knew Kara and Supergirl were the same person, and I felt more on my own than ever before. And I realized that my family and friends didn't really need her in their lives. In fact, they were happier without her. Without me. Second motivation, gone." Lena grimmaced at the sadness in her voice. "Then, right after they got their memories back, I decided to tell you who I really was. I couldn't keep lying to you. I really couldn't. And after I did, you shut me out." she closed her eyes again, dropping her head. "And then the suits I begged you not to design were handed to the government. And suddenly, I stopped being called into action. The DEO said that violence had dropped, that my presence would only be required in " bigger emergencies". In other words, the Earth didn't need me anymore. I could hang my cape and retire. And I should be happy to live a normal life... But I couldn't. Because I didn't have nothing worth living for. I was alone, and if I left...  Things would stay the same." 

Lena caressed her arm, trying to comfort her. It was the only thing that she could do. All words were stuck in her throat, and she wouldn't speak until Kara had finished.

"When your tech was stolen, I knew this was my only chance. I had tried killing myself before, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. My body kept repairing itself, against my own will, so I knew that the only way for me to end it all, would be in battle. Besides, no one would know how weak I am if I had died as a hero, right?... I would have an honorable death... A beautiful burial... And most importantly, my sister would be less hurt by my actions."

Silence followed her last sentence. The machinery kept beeping all around them, the sun lamps still buzzed, but both felt swallowed by an endless void of emptiness. 

Lena was the first one to leave it.

"You really don't know how much we love you, do you?" the question just flew out of her mouth without any resistence. "It doesn't matter to us if you died in battle or by your own hands, Kara. We would have been destroyed either way."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, but I need you to listen to me." she got closer to the blonde, speaking quietly. "I saw Alex scream over your body as she brought you back to life. I saw J'onn pray to gods I didn't even know existed, in the hopes that they would help you hang on. I saw Clark Kent fly in his civilian clothes, in the middle of the night, coming straight from Metropolis, so you could get a blood transfusion. I saw Winn, James, Sam, Brainy, Nia, Lucy, and every single other friend you have cry enough tears to fill an entire pool while they waited for you to wake up. And I fell onto my knees in the middle of my office, sobbing, because I knew that if you died, my whole world would have died with you." The younger Luthor stopped fighting her feelings, let emotion seep through her voice. "So Kara, please, don't you ever again think that we wouldn't miss you. Because if you were gone, we wouldn't know how to live without you. I wouldn't know how to live without you. And I know that you probably won't believe me right now, given everything that I've done, but I love you, Kara Zor-El. And it breaks my heart to see you like this."

Now, both of them were falling apart. 

They were closer to each other than they had been in a long time, and it wasn't only physically. Their souls were intertwined in a way they never even thought was possible.

And sure, what Kara did next might not have been healthy at all, but she knew it was what both her and Lena needed at the moment - a fraction of time that was peaceful, so that their minds could clear and stop thinking; they only way to reach that deserved rest was by the purity of touch. 

Their lips met with no hesitation, and moved together in a slow rhythm, devoid of hurry, filled with longing. 

When they parted, their foreheads met, and their eyes closed, both melting into each other's warmth. 

"I love you too, Lena. I have for a long time."

"I'm so grateful you came back."

"I'm not leaving again."

"Promise?"

"Promise."


End file.
